I once asked my Dad the secret to a happy marriage. After all, he and my mom have now been married over 40 years. I figured they must know something about it. I don’t know what I had in the back of my mind but his answer surprised me. He simply said, “commitment.”
Over the years my husband and I have watched quite a few marriages end in divorce. This has been distressing to both of us. Especially as we have watched the children navigate tough and rocky landscapes to which no child should be subjected. I am not sure of the reason for all these divorces but I wonder if some of them could not have been saved if they had been one hundred percent committed to each other.
What are some secrets to maintaining commitment?
1. Give 100%, expect 50 in return
Don’t have high expectations. Expect that when you enter marriage you are entering a partnership and that there will be times when you will be giving a lot, maybe even 100%. But there are other parties depending on you making the most of your marriage – your children and your neighbors. “We did it for the children” is a great answer when it comes to how you hung in there through the tough times, especially when you look at the lasting effects of divorce on children. I have known some couples who weathered serious infidelity or relationship problems to build lasting love. Other couples seem to take a bow after the first argument. Give it all you’ve got and be the first to forgive and forget. This will go a long way toward making your marriage a happy one.
2. When the going gets tough the tough get going
There are times when you really aren’t going to like your spouse. You may love ‘em but you’re not going to like them very much. And you will come to problems that will test the two of you to the very marrow of your bones. But working through these times can become a strong cement binding you together in times of ease.
3. Master the art of the soft reply
In other words: stop picking on each other! And if your spouse is a bit more verbal than you, use a soft and gentle response. Don’t add fuel to the flames with an angry retort. You be the first one to forgive and forget. This is what really makes commitment work.
4. Above all else, be loyal
Don’t let your eyes wander. Don’t fall in lust with someone else. Don’t go out to lunch with another “friend” of whom your spouse would not approve. Keep your actions above reproach. Invest in your spouse, don’t be continually shopping for a replacement.
Commitment brings such great rewards. Today I wrote a letter to an elderly neighbor of ours who had a great influence on our marriage through her and her husband’s example of commitment. Carl* had come out to west from Massachusetts where he had met and married Becky. They were the cutest couple ever. Carl was a real do it your selfer who had used dynamite to blast out his backyard which also housed a working sawmill (this was the suburbs not a country estate). Becky loved to read and Carl built her beautiful bookshelves which consumed their entire living room. She also had another bedroom dedicated to her porcelain doll collection. They lived in a tiny home and were about as opposite as you can imagine but somehow they had built a beautiful marriage full of kindness and consideration, each appreciating the other for his/her skills and abilities. Becky had managed to hone a few of Carl’s rough edges and Carl managed to courteously maintain his manliness in a house overflowing with books and dolls. They had raised a happy family and these members of the “greatest generation” were reaping the loving rewards of a lifetime of commitment.
I love the symbolism of the Irish Claddagh ring, seen in the picture above. I once read about in a book (a similar reference can be found here). The author of this book, Bruce C. Hafen, said that traditionally the ring was made of three parts. The bride came to the marriage wearing a gold band with a heart supported on one side by a cupped hand. This symbolized the bride offering her whole heart to the marriage. The groom came with a hand that cupped his side of the heart symbolizing the giving of his whole heart to her in marriage. Then the priest would add a third band, a golden crown symbolizing God’s blessings on the marriage. When we marry we commit our whole soul to upholding the marriage. We do whatever we can to ensure its happiness and success. We do this not only for our spouse but also for God and for those in our society who will be blessed by our happy marriage. This is the true meaning of commitment.
*Not real name.
Saplings and Sunflowers 