Finding Hygge in the Everyday Moments

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Everyone seems obsessed with hygge these days.  And what is hygge?  The definition I found said that hygge is a quality of coziness and comfortable conviviality that engenders a feeling of contentment or well-being (regarded as a defining characteristic of Danish culture).  And isn’t hygge what most people are trying to achieve.  Comfort and warmth.  Hence, I notice the word used in conjunction with cooking, decorating, fires and candles.  Items being the primary method for invoking hygge.  Which makes sense for a material-centered culture like ours.

But I would exert that true hygge is less about the meal or the perfect surroundings and more about the feeling.  Imagine entering a beautiful perfectly decorated home with a fire burning and candles. The scene has been set for a lovely evening.  But the people in the home are strange to you and are talking about you in an unfriendly manner.  No matter how lovely the atmosphere, you feel uncomfortable and want to leave.

Then imagine going to a home, perhaps even to a very small building or apartment where the furnishings are a bit worn.  There may be some piles of books or papers on the counter.  There is a lamp on the table next to a sofa — nothing fancy.   But there to greet you is the most adorable little grandmother and her husband.  They are so happy to see you and welcome you with a smile and a warm hug.  They offer you a small plate with perhaps a butter cookie from a tin or some crackers and cheese.  They listen to your concerns and encourage you in your goals. You instantly feel comfortable and at home.  You know that you want to visit this place again.  You feel, loved, cherished and adored.

I would maintain that we as a society have spent quite a lot of money trying to create something in our homes that truly only can be created with love.  Hygge, comfort, happiness and joy are feelings that are created in quite simple ways:

Smiling

Listening

Giving of the best we have

Gentle expectations

Encouragement

Unhurried time

Simple acts of caring

Good Humor

Love

My sister used to tell me how she particularly loved going to one friend’s home for dinner.  Her friend served hot dogs for a crowd and the home was usually a bit messy.  But the warm feeling this woman knew how to create among good friends was a lovely thing.

I love the scripture from Proverbs: 

“Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.” (Proverbs 15:17, KJV).

Hygge is not about items, its not about what we create.  Big things are not necessary to homemaking.  Indeed, a quest for items often deprives us of precious time.  What happiness at home is truly about is the feelings we get when we are there.  Little moments that make everything worthwhile.  Smiling at a child.  A family joke that everyone’s in on.  A soccer game outside.  A simple shared meal.  Time spent talking on the couch.  A quiet reply.  Dropping everything to help out.  These simple activities performed everyday contribute to a remarkable feeling at home.  A feeling of stability, of happiness, of love.  And a feeling that can be created in no other way.

The Real Secret to a Happy, Long-lasting Marriage

I once asked my Dad the secret to a happy marriage.  After all, he and my mom have now been married over 40 years.  I figured they must know something about it.  I don’t know what I had in the back of my mind but his answer surprised me.  He simply said, “commitment.”

Over the years my husband and I have watched quite a few marriages end in divorce.  This has been distressing to both of us.  Especially as we have watched the children navigate tough and rocky landscapes to which no child should be subjected.  I am not sure of the reason for all these divorces but I wonder if some of them could not have been saved if they had been one hundred percent committed to each other.

What are some secrets to maintaining commitment?  

1. Give 100%, expect 50 in return

Don’t have high expectations.  Expect that when you enter marriage you are entering a partnership and that there will be times when you will be giving a lot, maybe even 100%.  But there are other parties depending on you making the most of your marriage – your children and your neighbors.  “We did it for the children” is a great answer when it comes to how you hung in there through the tough times, especially when you look at the lasting effects of divorce on children.  I have known some couples who weathered serious infidelity or relationship problems to build lasting love.  Other couples seem to take a bow after the first argument.  Give it all you’ve got and be the first to forgive and forget.  This will go a long way toward making your marriage a happy one.

2. When the going gets tough the tough get going

There are times when you really aren’t going to like your spouse.  You may love ‘em but you’re not going to like them very much.  And you will come to problems that will test the two of you to the very marrow of your bones.  But working through these times can become a strong cement binding you together in times of ease.

3. Master the art of the soft reply

In other words: stop picking on each other!  And if your spouse is a bit more verbal than you, use a soft and gentle response.  Don’t add fuel to the flames with an angry retort.  You be the first one to forgive and forget.  This is what really makes commitment work.

4. Above all else, be loyal

Don’t let your eyes wander.  Don’t fall in lust with someone else.  Don’t go out to lunch with another “friend” of whom your spouse would not approve.  Keep your actions above reproach.  Invest in your spouse, don’t be continually shopping for a replacement.  

Commitment brings such great rewards.  Today I wrote a letter to an elderly neighbor of ours who had a great influence on our marriage through her and her husband’s example of commitment.  Carl* had come out to west from Massachusetts where he had met and married Becky.  They were the cutest couple ever.  Carl was a real do it your selfer who had used dynamite to blast out his backyard which also housed a working sawmill (this was the suburbs not a country estate).  Becky loved to read and Carl built her beautiful bookshelves which consumed their entire living room.  She also had another bedroom dedicated to her porcelain doll collection.  They lived in a tiny home and were about as opposite as you can imagine but somehow they had built a beautiful marriage full of kindness and consideration, each appreciating the other for his/her skills and abilities.  Becky had managed to hone a few of Carl’s rough edges and Carl managed to courteously maintain his manliness in a house overflowing with books and dolls.  They had raised a happy family and these members of the “greatest generation” were reaping the loving rewards of a lifetime of commitment.

I love the symbolism of the Irish Claddagh ring, seen in the picture above. I once read about in a book (a similar reference can be found here). The author of this book, Bruce C. Hafen, said that traditionally the ring was made of three parts. The bride came to the marriage wearing a gold band with a heart supported on one side by a cupped hand. This symbolized the bride offering her whole heart to the marriage. The groom came with a hand that cupped his side of the heart symbolizing the giving of his whole heart to her in marriage. Then the priest would add a third band, a golden crown symbolizing God’s blessings on the marriage. When we marry we commit our whole soul to upholding the marriage. We do whatever we can to ensure its happiness and success. We do this not only for our spouse but also for God and for those in our society who will be blessed by our happy marriage. This is the true meaning of commitment.

*Not real name.

Preparing Your Child for a Mission

Some Thoughts on Preparing a Child for A Mission

I am just starting the process of sending my seven children out on missions.  But here are some ideas that I have gathered and have tried to implement over the years that might be helpful to others working towards the same goal.

1. Build a Testimony

Hold your family scripture and prayers.  Make sure they know the importance of reading scriptures and saying prayers on their own.  Keep them clean and worthy to serve a mission.  But also let them make decisions.  Don’t force.  Give gentle reminders or use consequences when necessary.

2. Teach them to teach others

The best way to do this is to give them opportunities to teach in your own home.  Have them give family home evening lessons, Come Follow Me lessons or devotional messages.  

3. Serve Others With Your Family

When you go ministering, bring your child with you.  But more importantly look for neighbors and those in your community who need a helping hand.  Shovel snow.  Blow leaves.  When our boys were little we brought dinner to an elderly neighbor in their little red wagon.  And don’t just serve members of your own faith community.  Reach out to everyone around you.

4. Don’t Focus on Worldly Stuff

There are so many things in this world that are just not important.  Fun but not important.  If sports or cars or clothing or popularity are very important to your child then it will be hard to leave these things behind for a mission.  My children know that one of my favorite scriptures is: “A man’s life consisteth not of the abundance of that which he possesseth.”  I quote it often.

5. Work is the Key

President Ezra Taft Benson said that “one of of the greatest secrets of missionary work is work.” Incentivize them to wake up early. Have family work projects that you do together and jobs just for them.  Have them do work that prepares them to clean, to do laundry and to make meals.  We have made different job charts over the years to accomplish this. Teach them to finish a job and to do it well.  Check their jobs and call them back if they aren’t done properly.  Doing hard things at home prepares them for real world work.

6. Teach them to Get Along With Others

This does not mean teaching them to be popular.  Popularity often causes you to sacrifice the most important things on the altar.  Rather, teach them good manners and kindness.  Help them find jobs and volunteer work where they are around others.  Teach them to be a good friend. 

7. Have Them Earn Money for their Own Mission

We prayed about this and found creative ways for our kids to earn money – selling bread or cookies door to door or shoveling snow and mowing lawns.  Encourage them to find a full time job in the summer and other work as needed.  I wish I would have found my boys really social jobs where they had to talk to a lot of people. After they work help them to pay tithing and to put money in a savings account for a mission.

8. Learn About Other Cultures With Them

Have them take a language. Travel. Study the countries of your ancestors. Eat weird foreign food. Look at maps and google maps. Appreciate this awesome earth that you live on. But don’t forget to prepare them to also receive a normal, stateside mission call. Teach them that the most important part of a mission is bringing souls everywhere to Christ.