Revised from an article published a number of years ago at United Families International blog.
A few weeks ago husband and I had breakfast at a hip restaurant outside of the city where we lived. The restaurant was populated with young students and professionals, smart and cultured, but with seemingly little interest in family and children. It seems to me that over the years many of the well-educated adults that we know are not having children, or are having one or two children at later ages. We are increasingly becoming a childless society.
Media today asks some hard questions about parenting. Are parents truly happier? Is parenting worth it? Many of these articles highlight the downsides of being a parent. Dirty diapers. Crying babies. Bulging tummies. Tyrannical teenagers. Authors (often childless) tell us that parents are more stressed, their marriages are less idyllic. They convey the message that parents are less happy than their childless counterparts who travel the world, grow their bank accounts, eat out, attend the movies, and pursue ambitious professional dreams. In a culture that values immediate gratification many now assume that parenting is just not worth it. Choosing a child-free life has become an increasingly acceptable option, even among married American women.
Yet, interestingly, when researchers ask parents whether they would make the choice to be a parent again they get an overwhelming response. Yes. 94% of parents would do it again. On the other hand, only 24% of childless adults over 40 would choose childlessness again.
Why the discrepancy? Years ago I was a law student. I was near the top of my law school class. I had prestigious firms sending me invitations to interview. I drove a cute little red car and had outfits from Anne Taylor. I thought I had it made. Yet, as I observed happy people around me I felt that something was missing. My husband and I made the choice to embark on the adventure of parenthood and somehow I ended up a mother of seven children living in a nondescript suburban house, driving a dented car, and sometimes going a day without a shower. In a conversation the other day I remarked that despite my apparent lack of money and “success,” I loved my life. Why would I believe that I am actually now happier than ever and that I am indeed living the dream? My life has so much more meaning when I am living for others and I never feel alone, although it took a lot of dirty diapers and spit-up to get to this point. Research supports my feelings.
A study recently published in Psychological Science showed that older adults with children are happier than their childless peers. A worldwide 2011 Pew Research study showed that while parents in their twenties rated themselves as less happy than their friends without children, this trend equalized during the thirties and then reversed itself in a person’s forties and fifties. After fifty, the more children one had, the greater the happiness. Other studies have supported the idea that the happiness of parents grows as they age. Interestingly, studies also show that parents of all ages find more meaning in life than parents who do not have children. Parenting is hard, creative work. But the work of parenting has both tangible rewards and intangible satisfactions. Many of the tangible rewards come in the middle and later years of life as children become interesting adults and as parents begin to realize their own multi-generational impact on a growing family.
And what about those who cannot have children? Perhaps they have never had the chance to marry. Perhaps the time for childbearing is passed. They too can still have the messy, unpredictable joy of children in their life. Volunteering in the community or working with children allows you to make a meaningful impact and to experience the unpredictable joy that children bring. Anyone can “parent” children by taking an interest in them and by investing in their welfare.
Parenting is not glamorous. But choosing children pays great dividends. Life with children is fuller, richer and more meaningful. It requires work and sacrifice but I promise that it will provide you with satisfaction and joy available in no other way.
Saplings and Sunflowers 